Self worth vs. Vanity

I learn quite a bit about myself and life in general from my children, not only from the way they perceive things but from the values I hold within myself that I instinctively am trying to pass down to them without fully realizing it. Don’t get me wrong, there are many things I am trying to figuratively pound into them on purpose, such as patience for example, but there are some things I don’t fully realize I’m doing till shortly after. Let's take tonight for example; I have managed to frustrate my son on a couple of different topics in one evening, the first being him wanting to download a popular first person shooting game onto my Nintendo Switch. I’d like to think that after eight and a half years that I would know my son pretty well, and I can already tell he has my attitude for video games; He doesn’t like to lose. My downfall is first person shooter video games. Multiple family members can attest to the deterioration of my manners and etiquette when playing said games. Back in the day, I used to scream and curse at the people online who could not hear me at the lack of skill I had compared to them, and although they couldn’t hear me, my family could. I can easily see my son being the same way, and being only eight years old, I told him I would not buy that game for him. This isn’t the first time I’ve told him this either.

Now this isn’t quite the topic I wanted to discuss, but it does give us a bit of back story. So at bedtime, my son made a comment about wanting some character modifications on a game that his grandmother allowed him to download onto her phone. He then proceeded to tell me that he was not able to earn said modifications since they were only available to be purchased. I told him no. Now, on a personal note, I have always been against aspects of the game being held hostage behind purchases, and although this isn’t quite the same thing, it does bring up the same feelings. My son finished off by saying he was a pro at the game but looked like a noob. Now I realize that I missed a perfect opportunity to teach him about his own self worth, something I plan to remedy in the future, I do also see this as something worth sharing.

I do believe there is a fine line between self worth and vanity, one that without proper care and practice would be easy to slip off. The addition of social media even since I was in high school has made a huge impact, as well as the ease of access with the leaps and bounds technology has brought, it’s no wonder that kids these days care so much about their image. Some things will always be the same; those with the means will always have the envy of those without. But when the means to get what you want is only a few clicks away, it makes vanity that much more visible.

Now I would be lying if I said I didn’t still suffer from doubting my self worth, especially the last couple of years, both at work and at home. Anxiety and overthinking don’t help the matter either as I’ve found myself stuck going over and over in my head all day about how I don’t measure up to whatever it is I’m feeling self conscious about. All of this has left me at a crossroads on what I want my children to see, because we all know that children pick up more than we think they do. On the one hand I want them to know that it is very normal for both men and women to deal with mental health problems but I also want them to see that their self worth is tied to nothing but themselves. I do believe both can be accomplished, but I just haven’t figured out how to pull that off being a single father and being the solid rock in their ever changing world to rely on.

Although it sounds a little narcissistic, having the ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude has proven to be beneficial if used appropriately. The most important part of self worth is the ‘self’ and if you know what your worth is, then what does it matter what other people believe your worth is? That's been a big struggle for me, but I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that I just might have a decent handle on my life. In my case, it’s also a bit of a confidence boost as well. It’s taken me quite a while but I’m slowly coming out of my shell of pretending to be what people expect me to be and letting my geeky side show more. Vanity is at the core worrying about what others think of us and changing our lives and possibly our morals to match what those people want to see. Why pretend to be someone else? It is so much work stressing about appealing to other people when instead we should just be ourselves and attract the same kind of people. I’ve been so afraid, even recently, about people knowing that I enjoy the Pokémon franchise, or that I've gotten into anime or anything else that other people may view as childish. I still struggle with this but I’m slowly pushing past my barriers to let the people close to me see the real me.

Don’t spend your time worrying about how other people perceive you and just be yourself, life is too short to live the way someone else thinks you should. More importantly, if someone is willing to come out of their shell and show you the real them, then you are someone they trust, and even if you don’t share the same interests, encourage them to share it more. We could always use more positivity in this world. Once again, thank you all for listening to me ramble and if you have anything you’d like to add or think I missed or even if you disagree with something I expressed, please let me know, I’d love to have a conversation with you about it.