Life is Short
It seems like life has been nothing but one kick in the pants after the other these last couple of weeks, even on top of what is already going on in this country at the moment. In that short time frame i have lost someone close enough to be considered a family member and just recently an old friend, both who were taken well before their time. The latter really hit me hard. Back in high school we were introduced by a mutual friend. We became friends and shortly afterwards started dating. Like a lot of typical high school relationships, it was destined not to last, and shortly after we started dating, her mother decided to move to a city about two hours away. I’m not for sure how long we actually had been dating before she moved, my memory has always been horrible, but after she moved away we attempted to try the long distance thing. Sure, two hours doesn’t seem like much, but at sixteen with little interstate driving experience, none of which I drove alone, it seemed pretty substantial. I remember my parents taking me to Casper once to visit her, and it was amazing and heartbreaking at the same time. I’m pretty sure it was at that point that we realized it just couldn’t be the same. We broke up shortly after and didn’t really get back in touch until I was in college. After she moved back we went back to being friends, but not the kind that hang out every now and then, or that at least call each other every now and then to catch up. We were basically just Facebook friends at that point and it wasn’t until she passed away that I realized just how little of a friend I really was to someone who I once cared a great deal for.
I’m not here to tell you all about my past life with her, although I could fill quite a few pages with stories, I’m using this to illustrate the fact that life is short. I first learned this a couple of years ago when one of my grandmothers passed away. My grandparents were literally just a few minute drive away in the same town and yet I rarely made the time to go see them. After her death, I was asked by my mother and aunt to help my grandpa mow his back yard since it was getting long and he doesn’t move around as well as he used to. After seeing the condition of the yard, I made up my mind that I would help take care of his yard in the summer and scoop the snow off his sidewalks in the winter just so that I could spend time with him. I still regret not doing this sooner while grandma was still alive, but there is nothing I can do about that now.
One would have thought I would learn my lesson after that, but here we are, a couple years later and I’ve got that same empty feeling of regret for not being there, wishing I could go back in time and change things. Life is short, and we only get one shot at it. It doesn’t seem this way when you're young, seems like it took forever to make it to sixteen, or eighteen, or twenty one. Even though being in your thirties is a far cry from being considered old, I’ve noticed that having a family of my own and watching my own children grow up has sped up life to the point that holidays almost run together.
It has been less than forty eight hours since her accident at the time I am writing this, and although putting my thoughts into writing (typing?) like this is helping me deal with it, I still have a hard time saying out loud how I am feeling. Don’t wait for someone's funeral to tell them how you feel, tell them now and tell them often. Make it a point at the end of every conversation, be it in person or over the phone, how you feel. I try to make sure I end every conversation with my parents and grandparents with a simple ‘I love you’.
Also, if you have a goal in life you would like to achieve, start it now. Not when the time is right, because by the time you realize that there is never a ‘right time’, it will be too late. Start it now. Start saving for that trip you’ve always wanted to take, learn a new language, write that story, learn to play an instrument, tell that special person how you truly feel, whatever it is that you yearn to achieve, start on it now. I only say this because I too have things and people I no longer want to see pushed to the back burner.
Nothing will ever take away the pain of losing someone you care about, but if you can look back and treasure the time you spent with them rather than regret how little you were there, it just might make it a little easier to say goodbye. Death is the debt that all men must pay, and believe me, time is not on our side.
